It’s Not Easy Being Mean, Part 4

From the files of C.O.V.N.E.T. (Cleverly disguised as environmentally friendly paper.)

K. Edgar Singer
First name: K.
Last Name: Edgar
Occupation: Singer. (Note from Payroll: Are we certain this form has been correctly filled out?)

History: Little is known of K.’s background. He was certainly born at some stage. It has been surmised that as a child his friends used to laugh at him. His family has a history of male-pattern baldness. (Note from Morale: Can we get him to play Lex Luthor in the company musical — Superman vs. C.O.V.N.E.T where C.O.V.N.E.T. wins?)

Psychometric readings: From an extensive study of K’s attitudes, beliefs and actions we have reached several possible conclusions. (Note: We have CCTV footage of his platinum buns workout if that’s needed for the staff party.) Our conclusions are as follows:

  • A. Agent K has a deeply ingrained need to prove himself to his superiors, particularly General Luft. It has been bandied around the Psych rooms that he may see Luft as a father figure and may be compensating for either having lost his father as a child, having lost his hair as a child or his father having laughed at him at some stage in the past.
  • B. It is clear that Agent K has a very personal stake in the seeking of aliens and we have considered the possibility that he may have seen something in the sky when he was a child, leaving him to feel completely alone on this earth. Especially as it is unlikely that his friends, family or teachers believed him if and when he told them of this encounter. The use of white rubber gloves when touching supposed alien creatures is very telling in this regard.
  • C. is for Cookie, that’s good enough for me. (Note from Lunar Team: Has anyone seen the moon recently?)
  • D. Agent K appears to be seeking a place in this world in which he can fit in, much reflecting the attitude shown by the alien classified GZO.

Notes from Dr Tucker: Although no one knows why I have a lab-rat facility tucked under the C.O.V.N.E.T. building I do have some thoughts on the behaviour of K. His treatment of the rat classified RZO was considerably heartless, treating the rodent as simply some sort of pest to be brushed away – though in my honest opinion they are pests to be flattened, spun, twisted, tricked and THEN brushed away. This act alone should classify K as semi-evil. (Note from Kitchens: Why DO we have a lab-rat facility tucked under the C.O.V.N.E.T. building and is this where our entire cheese budget is being diverted to?)

Letter from HMO:
To whom in may concern at C.O.V.N.E.T.,
We have recently received a claim filed under the name of patient GZO for a brain-removal procedure operated by Dr Phil van Neuter.

Contrary to the claims presented by Dr van Neuter, our HMO cover does not include brain-removal and we will not be paying for this treatment. We would also be interested to know what exactly you had hoped to do with the brain. (Note from the Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world.)

Thank you for your time.

Note from Mr Jumbo’s Circus Town and Wild Animal Review: We were told there may be an option to pick up a bear from your facility. Can you please contact us at your earliest convenience to provide further details? (Note from PETA: Where can we find this Wild Animal show?)

Note from co-worker, Rentro: I didn’t overhear anything. Oh! And is this paper recyclable? Because I maybe just spilled meatballs on it and it may have to go through the rinse cycle at the Laundromat. Sorry about that.

Dialogue intercepted during routine maintenance checks of radio malfunctions: “We are honoured to meet you.” “A most extraordinary performance.” “Oh, what are you talking about?” “Gonzo of Earth, who is this most entertaining friend of yours?” “That’s Ed.” “Hi, Ed.” “Hello, Ed.” “The cape!” “The cape for Ed!” “Ed, because of your comic instincts, we have chosen you as ambassador to our planet.” (Note from Human Resources: I thought his name was K? Also, does anyone know what the T in James T. Kirk stands for?)

Note from a sandwich: When I met Ed, briefly, during lunch, he seemed to be rocking on the edge of craziness – what with the brain removal and the spirals and all – however, having later met him in person (having channelled my voice through the toupee back home on our planet) he appeared to have been merely seeking acceptance and a place to fit in. It’s possible he was just doing this in the wrong way, much as people who put Jam into the sandwich first and then peanut butter are doing that all backwards. Does this excuse him for crimes committed previously? Maybe not. It’s hardly my place to comment. I’m just a sandwich. Oh, and go ahead and eat me now. I’m going away. (Note from Admin: Can we please stop taking official statements from food?)

In conclusion:
Ruthlessness: 8. (He sent rat designated RZO to the lab and was prepared to remove alien designated GZO’s brain and to shoot at aliens designated ALIENS.)
Sidekick: 10 (Co-worker designated RNTRO provided agent K with the kind of assistance he neither wanted nor needed – designated HUMOUR – but RNTRO later proved himself by making up a song about jalapenos for the company musical: Jalapenos vs. C.O.V.N.E.T. where C.O.V.N.E.T.wins)
Evil appearance: 5 (He was designated BALD and having weird neck wrinkles.)
Talking the talk: 8 (For screaming Don’t Laugh At Me, and for providing interesting insights through his evil monologueing.)
Likability: 7 (Agent K was likeable in the sort of way that you like your binman.)
Returnability: 3 (C.O.V.N.E.T. receives a postcard every few lightyears and Agent K has no intention of returning to Earth, especially Kansas.)
Likelihood to twist his neck weirdly while talking to you: 10

Confidentiality Note from Editor: Please ensure that these files do not somehow wind up on an internet fan site. And if they do, be aware that any or all facts presented may be completely made up.

This file will self destruct in 13 seconds.

The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier

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