By now, you’ve probably grown tired of seeing folks with funny names slide down mountains on pieces of wood and jettisoning themselves down sheets of ice that are miles long on sleds from their garage (Author’s Note: I really do respect each and every Olympic athlete–I’m insulting their craft for the sake of humor, people!). So, I’ve offered a few alternative sport ideas that I think the Olympic committee should seriously consider for the next Winter Olympics.
Top Competitor: Gonzo the Great
Forget the logistics of how this event would work… just imagine watching Gonzo’s feathery blue feet as they slosh through ice and snow down a towering hill. Talk about getting cold feet.
Trash Can Luge
Top Competitor: Oscar the Grouch
Yes, the luge can be a dangerous event, but with this new event we’ve countered that. If riding in a trash can, you get surrounded protection and a lid to cover your head just in case. Coating your can in cooking oil prior to the race is not legal.
Top Competitor: Dr. Teeth
This even works on two levels. It’s enjoyable for the viewers because they can relate, and it’s enjoyable for dentists anticipating a big pay off. Dr. Teeth would sweep this event by “accidentally” blinding the rest of the competitors with the glare of his golden tooth.
Top Team: Bobo, Beauregard, and George the Janitor
Yes, I know it’s already a sport (I can’t believe it though), but consider how epic this team would be on the ice. Bobo curls, Beauregard and George sweep the ice… could there be a more perfect team? I think not! I wonder if we could get George to come out of retirement for a shot at the Gold.
Top Team: Mokey Fraggle and Hilda the Wardrobe Lady
Teams from all countries compete to knit the finest tarpaulin (whatever that is) for Madame Trash Heap. With a distinguished panel of judges including Philo, Gunge, and Marjory herself, this event is best enjoyed with a heap of your friends.
Top Competitor: Baby Bear (Fozzie and Bobo at a close second and third)
Finally, a sport that acknowledges our lazy brethren. Imagine the thrill and excitement of watching your country’s favorite as they sleep for hours–months, even–all in real-time right on your television. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get to witness one of them rolling over!
Top Competitor: New Event, no competitors yet
This sport combines all the fun of shaving a shaggy elephant with chasing said shaggy elephant! Contestants barrel after the creatures as he himself barrels away from their razor blades and shaving cream. Obstacles in the course include having to locate the Snuffleupagus after he goes off to brush his teeth before your adult friends arrive!
Top Team: Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog
Reluctant lovers, beware! This steamy event will have all of the romantics in the audience cooing for more as they watch their favorite couples getting snuggly-wuggly in front of a crackling fire. Points determined on snuggness of the snuggling, crackliness of the fire, and squirminess of the frog.
Well… those are all of the events on my list of proposed additions to the games. What games would you like to see added to the Olympics in four years?
The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, firstname.lastname@example.org