Jarrod Fairclough – Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everybody! Yes, the day has finally arrived, when Santa has been, and we’re all getting ready to stuff our faces full of ham (calories don’t count today, by the way).
We’re all well versed in the multitude of Christmas productions that have starred Muppets over the years. They’ve told the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge, recreated (kind of) It’s A Wonderful Life, and assisted in the retelling of the story of Silent Night with John Denver. But there’s one Christmas classic The Muppets are yet to send up. It’s one of the best Holiday films of all time. I’m talking, of course, of the 1988 hit, Die Hard.
There are two types of people in the world – those who think Die Hard is a Christmas film, and those who are wrong. Though not specifically ABOUT Christmas, it is set on Christmas Eve, revolves around a terrorist plot at a Christmas party, and has a few Christmas Carols in it. Ergo – Die Hard = Christmas movie. And in my annual Christmas Eve rewatch, it struck me – this film would work just as well with The Muppets. And so, without further ado, let’s recast the story with some of those beloved characters…
Miss Piggy as John McClane
Though my first instinct was to put Kermit in this role, I realised after a moment that why should I? After all, Miss Piggy is bad ass and can put up a fight. I have no doubt in my mind that Piggy could destroy every bad guy who walked in to Nakatomi Tower, and would look fabulous doing it.
Constantine as Hans Gruber
This one is a no brainer. On the one hand, you have a European evil mastermind hell bent on thievery and explosions, and on the other hand you have Hans Gruber. The Bad Frog himself would have a blast wreaking havoc on Christmas Eve, as he attempts to steal $640 million in bearer bonds to become Number One criminal of all time!
Kermit the Frog as Holly Gennaro
Holly spends the majority of the film looking out for everyone else, which is exactly what Kermit spends the majority of his life doing. He stands up for what is right, but also knows when to pull back. Also, he would look amazing with that hair.
Fozzie Bear as Sgt. Al Powell
Sgt. Al Powell is the best friend John McClane could ask for during his time in Nakatomi Tower, and Fozzie Bear is the best friend anyone could ask for, ever. It stands to reason that while Miss Piggy scaled buildings and walked over broken glass, Fozzie would be there to talk her through it, probably sending bad puns down the line the whole time.
Gonzo as Harry Ellis
Like Gonzo, Ellis is a wild card, whose actions are more likely to get himself hurt than those around him. And while Ellis would rather try to give up John McClane, Gonzo would rather distract Constantine and his men by jumping in to a vat of pudding while singing ‘You Can Call Me Al’ by Paul Simon.
Scooter as Theo
I’m mainly choosing this one based on the glasses and headset, but it would stand to reason that Scooter could hack in to anything, probably joining Constantine’s team as a way to rebel against his mom and her friend Ken.
Walter as Argyle
Just as Walter is overeager when he first meets Kermit, Argyle is overly excited and nervous when he first meets John McClane. Though Argyle is young and inexperienced, he helps save the day in the end, which is exactly the sort of thing Walter would do.
Statler and Waldorf as FBI Agents Johnson & Johnson (No relation)
Both duos are kind of superfluous to the plot, and both duos are kind of mean to everyone and each other.
So there you have it! Die Hard recast with The Muppets. This was a silly way to spend my Christmas morning. Merry Christmas and Yippee Ki-yay Everybody!