Jarrod Fairclough – Welcome back to this haunting edition of Little Shop of Horrors, where we browse eBay to find the most terrifying and horrifying merchandise available. We’ve done it for Kermit, Miss Piggy and Fozzie, but today we set our spooky sights on everyone’s favorite science victim, Beaker.
Beaker’s design is deceivingly difficult to master in merch form. A slightly too-large nose makes him look like he has elephantitis. Hair that’s too long makes him look like a disco loving version of himself. So how these bits of official merchandise ever made it past the approval phase is beyond me. Spoooooky! Etc. All of these items are currently available at time of writing, and we’ve included the links.
Disney Parks Beaker Hat
While there are a few things right with this hat, there is far more wrong. Beaker looks to the high heavens wondering what fresh hell today has in store for him, and wondering what it was that he did to make him deserve this life as a beanie. The slightly too red hue to his pink skin. The wild Ernie like hair. The uncontrolable anguish. Someone put poor Beaker out of his misery…
Beaker Wall Decal Sticker
The Muppets were a part of the game Little Big Planet back in 2011, and every costume pack was as terrifying as the next. Beaker was perhaps one of the worst off, with the lower half of his mouth protruding oddly from the characters neck. Well, now you can have this in wall sticker form, to terrify your children in to loving The Muppets. Do it, or Beaker’s lower jaw will snap off and won’t stop until it’s buried itself in the neck of every one on Earth!
18″ Sababa Plush
This larger Sababa plush Beaker suffers from the most terrifying case of ‘eyes over nose’ I’ve ever seen, as well as a bottom lip that can’t open further than his nose. This ghoulish monstrosity’s bulbous eyes stare at the world around him, as he begs for a hair cut and longer pants. Please, Bunsen, why can’t you put his eyes back in his skull? What sick pleasure do you get from this?
10″ Sababa Plush
Sababa are hereby banned from making Beaker figures. Again forced to have eyes that bug out over his nose, Beaker’s weird gangly body stands wildly as his odd angled mouth juts out to his left. Is this the real Beaker? Or has a Russian look-a-like busted out and stolen his identity, forcing the real Beaker in to a gulag with Liz Lemon and Blind Pew?
18″ Nanco Plush
In episode 202 of The Muppet Show, Bunsen invented a banana sharpener. This toy is the product of a similar product, the carrot sharpener. One has obviously been flung from the machine and embeded itself in to the face of Beaker, resulting in a frightening orange protrusion where his normally round nose should be. That has to be the explaination, because the idea that this toy ever got approved for sale with that shnozz is way too scary for this article series.